Friday, August 20, 2010

Raise the flag and burn the baby!

People with gavels of San Francisco,

I write you today to inform you of a most dangerous imperfection in our fair town: the corner of Van Ness and Eddy in your most beloved Tenderloin district.  You see your Excecllencies (hope that's not outdated nor offensive), just this morning I wanted to walk across this gigantic intersection of spit and smog for a lady appointment I had across the street, when I noticed that there was no white man telling me to walk nor red hand telling me not to walk--just a green bulb, shining some sort of religious alien light on me.

Remembering back to more simple times when "Red Light, Green Light" was the peak of my afternoon, I decided to make a run for it, this time less worried about peeing myself and more concerned with getting hit  by one of those monstrous family SUV's that pretty much guarantees death with a mere tap on my generally "fit" young body.

By the time I passed the median, the light had now turned yellow.  Now, if I had been playing "R.L.G.L.",  I  would have to continue crossing the street verrrrrrrrrrry slowwwwwly to stay in the game, but since my life technically depended on it, I proceeded crossing the street in what probably resembled a Double-Arm-and-Leg-Nazi-March in which my "Heil Hitlers" permeated through both my left and right appendages.

Still not completely across the street, and the light now red, I feel defeated.  The cars are going to start racing through the intersection and I'm going to provide some sort of windshield ornament for one of them. So as my life starts flashing before my eyes and all my humiliating games of "Red Light, Green Light" start to replay in my head, I decide to leave this world in spite, and slow down my march.  In fact, I am now walking at the pace of an Applebee's server and disregarding anything not completely in front of my field of vision.

No less than four honks and a "Get out of the street, moron!" later, I am finally across the sea of grey, fully intact...but not fully satisfied.

So I write to you today to notify you of this horrible death-trap that is Van Ness and Eddy.  I hope you take the appropriate measures and fix this problem soon to avoid any sort of "Red Light" epidemic.

Oh, there's also a lot of young kids doing crack and heroin over there... make sure not to disturb them when you're fixing the light.

Thank you, your majesties, for listening to a commoner like myself.

May we all play in a field of dahlias one day, hands interlaced and hearts reaching out for some greater power than ourselves.



  1. Possibly pics and/or videos in the next post but don't get your hopes up!

  2. I kicked ass at GLRL at the skating rink.. we didnt have any junkies near by though..