Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Throwback or Up?

Remember when a rainy day was spent weeding through all of your Myspace bulletins, looking for those juicy surveys your friends would post about their favorite colors, number of people they've kissed, and where they saw themselves in ten minutes?

Yeah, I'm glad Tom is somewhere sucking it for change now too, but there is something about a rainy day and Stan Getz that inspires retrospection.  That, along with the fact that the last time I saw one of these innocuous inquiries of innocence I was watching the newest episode of Stargate SG-1, influenced my decision to post this more than the great amounts of whiskey I've consumed since my last purity promulgation.

So, here you have it.  A rainy day survey from me to you.


  1. Four jobs you’ve had in your life: (1) My first job was as a banquet tray-holder when I was fourteen.  I had to stand like a statue as I held a tray of champagne because they wouldn't let me move since I accidentally shattered a giant mirror during a wedding procession. (2) After that, I got a job at a tourist-trap souvenir shop in Old Sacramento called 'Stage Nine' (I forgot the significance of the number "nine", but recall it being stupid), where I'd sit on the counter reading old Batman comics as I yelled at foreigners to not touch the light sabers without permission.  (3) 'Stage Nine' opened up a vintage toy store around the corner, where I worked some of the time, once saving a woman's life as she was choking on Pucker Powder candy.  After moving to San Francisco, I was approached on the corner by a Moroccan man who claimed he had a serving job for me.  (4) I became a slave for Medjool for three years, and even made the mistake of agreeing to work at the owner's friend's hip hop clothing store, which was cut short when the owner (a seventy-something year-old man) attempted to woo me with Lagavulin after driving me out to the beach. 
  2. Four jobs you wish you had:  (1) Whiskey Sommelier (2) Youtube sensation (3) Train robber (4) Iron Chef America judge
  3. Four movies you can watch over and over again: (1) Wings of Desire (2) Tuvalu (3) Rushmore (4) City Lights
  4. Four cities you have lived in: (1) Levittown, PA (2) Hell (Tucson, AZ) (3) Sacramento, CA (4) The greatest city on Earth
  5. Four TV shows you love to watch: Seinfeld, The Life and Times of Tim, any gay version of MTV dating shows, and of course, Billy the Exterminator 
  6. Four websites you visit daily: Bigfatdicks.com, evenbiggerdicks.org, wearedicks.gov, ...and facebook.
  7. Four of your favorite foods: Vlasic Zesty whole dill pickles, hydrogenated oil, Doritos, and Flinstones vitamins.
  8. Four things you won’t eat: Tofu, olives, imitation animals, and the day after Thanksgiving.
  9. Four things you wish you could eat right now: Fat without getting fat, cookie dough without getting doughy, past 8 without gaining weight, and garlic bread.
  10. Four things in your bedroom: I don't have one of those.
  11. Four things you wish you had in your bedroom: A bedroom.
  12. Four things you’re wearing right now: I'm not wearing four things, unless you count angst and B.O.
  13. One place you’d rather be right now: Coasting down Golden Gate Park to the ocean on my yellow steed.
  14. One fictional place you’d rather be right now: With all those divine beings who ascended last week.
  15. Four people you’d really love to have dinner with: Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer.
  16. Four things you’re thinking about right now: (1) The amount of flies dancing above me makes me wonder if there's a dead body under my rug.  (2) If there were no such thing as clouds, would blue skies have so much appeal? (3) How many licks does it take to get to the centerfold? (4) I haven't worked for the man since New Year's Eve, and somehow, I'm still surviving this city.
  17. Four of your favorite things/people: (1) The woman on Mission and Van Ness who uses her one leg to push her wheelchair into traffic in an attempt to collect insurance money.  (2) People who use smiles and gestures more than words.  (3) Open mic night at the Page Street library. (4) Imbroglio.
  18. Four people you tag: The last time I played 'Blind Man's Tag', I fell off the playground equipment and ended up wearing a patch on my eye.  So I have decided to forgo this step, against absolutely no other judgement.

Monday, May 16, 2011

American Alliteration

The transfixed transgender transient transcends traditions, while watching white workers wonder why weeping willows weep.

"I don't understand nature," words white worker one.

"Yeah, I couldn't care less about why the willow weeps or what makes the sky blue," another aimlessly answers.

The transfixed transgender transient's tears trickle toward tangled thistles thwarting treacherous trenches through time.

"The willow weeps only to mock you and the sky knows no other color than your despair," the transient tacitly testifies, then travels tenuously to total tranquility.